Sheri Wade x120
Ministry Suport

A few thoughts on parenting and teenagers...

TOOLS FOR PARENTING TEENS

LESS FAMILY PRESENCE ADDS TO PEER PRESSURE

"It's great to be together as a family again!" a father said to his wife and sons at the end of a parent-teen weekend I'd been leading. His words bothered me. Had they not been spending time together as a family? Had he been away on some extended business trip? Had the parents separated? It wasn't any of the latter. Rather, each family member while living in the same house had been so involved in his or her own activities that it took a weekend away from home for them to spend time together again! Now that I've experienced years of hustle and bustle that comes with living with teenagers, I know about this struggle.

While it's natural for parents and teenagers to spend less time together as the kids pass through adolescence, it's unwise to assume that it's all right to not spend time as a family. Parents who become over involved in work, recreation, and other outside activities are also making the choice to spend less time with the family. As a result they open the door for their teenagers to spend more time "living with" and listening to their peer group. In addition, when parent-teenager time decreases, parents know less about what their kids are facing, and parental influence decreases as well. When asked by the Gallup Institute, "How would you rate your parents on understanding these things about you?" 38 percent of teenagers rated their parents "fair" or "poor" regarding knowledge about peer pressures they face.358

So, after years of little or no family time, an entire generation of "baby busters" has moved through their teenage years and into adulthood with a hunger for deep, meaningful relationships. The "buster" label is accurate, given the fact that many in this age group look back on their personal history and see a series of "busted" relationships.

Developmental expert David Elkind cites the breakdown of the family as one of the main reasons for the crisis among adolescents in today's world. In his classic, still-relevant book "All Grown Up and No Place to Go", Elkind says that what teenagers need is time to grow through the normal and confusing changes of adolescence. Yet, our society pushes them through adolescence, forcing them into premature adulthood that they're unable to handle. The deteriorating family, including absent and uninvolved parents, is to blame. The result for our teenagers, says Elkind, is stress and its aftermath.359

Much of that stress occurs when the powerful influence and expectations of the peer group are not balanced by loving, involved parents who spend time with their kids. Consequently, close friends wind up understanding teenagers more than their own parents do. In addition, the peer group assumes the nurturing role, thereby shaping the values, attitudes, and behaviors that should be shaped by Mom and Dad. Dean Borgman notes that kids whose lives are marked by resiliency to the struggles of adolescence (including negative peer pressure and influence) are marked by a history of "strong family nurture."360

The absence of family nurture has changed how teenagers are relating to one another, and have upped the intensity of peer influence and pressure. Chap Clark's research into the lives and world of today's emerging generations offers convincing evidence that kids are relating in new ways. Clark says that because kids have been abandoned by those who should be there for them, they look for a safe place elsewhere. They find "a family with a set of respected and controlled expectations, loyalties, and values" in peer "clusters."361 These groups of teenagers who identify themselves as a relational unit "develop because mid adolescents know they have no choice but to find a safe, supportive family and community, and in a culture of abandonment, the peer group seems to be the only option they have."362 Clark identifies one of the distinguishing marks of a cluster (ranging in size from roughly four to ten kids) as "rules and norms: While a cluster is being developed, a subtle, almost imperceptible negotiation goes on among the members. The necessary rules, norms, values, and even narratives of the cluster that serve to bind the members together are all worked out prior to the cluster's ultimate formation. After these have been negotiated and established (again, almost never through explicit dialogue or reflection), the members of the cluster tend to subordinate their own personal convictions, loyalties, and norms to the will of the collective whole."363 Consequently, the influence of the cluster shapes values, attitudes, and behaviors of an adolescent with an intensity and depth not known by previous generations of teenagers who also experienced peer influence and pressure, but at a markedly different level that was tempered and shaped by a stronger family context.

I believe negative peer pressure and influence would be significantly lower if our families weren't marked by so much lack of togetherness. More kids would be better equipped to handle the stresses and strains of negative peer pressure.

**

Walt Mueller is the founder and president of the Center for Parent Youth Understanding, which serves churches, schools, and community organizations around the world by providing information and analysis on contemporary youth culture. He's a 30-year youth ministry veteran that lives with his wife in Pennsylvania.

Learn more about and purchase "Youth Culture 101" here:
http://www.youthspecialties.com/shop/product_info.php?&products_id=332

*Save 30% off the retail price of "Youth Culture 101" when you use Coupon Code YPN194 and order by 2/11/09.**

LINKS TO LEARN FROM

The Myth of Teenage Promiscuity [New York Times]
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27well.html?ref=science

Social Networking Safety Tips for Parents and Educators [Barking Robot]
http://www.debaird.net/blendededunet/2009/01/social-networking-safety-tips-for-parents-educators.html

Teen Tips for Eating Healthy [Herald Sun-Australia]
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24952322-5006012,00.html

INSIDE YOUR TEEN'S WORLD

...Random things you may not have heard about...

Friending the Folks [Montgomery Blair High School]
http://silverchips.mbhs.edu/story/8867

MTV Pushes Hard to Win Back Teen Audience [Ad Age]
http://adage.com/madisonandvine/article?article_id=133995

LEARN THEIR LINGO

...Some slang and texting lingo for you to speak (or at least understand)

- Default potential = A self-portrait or a picture with you in it that has the potential to be your default image on myspace/facebook etc. 

A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT...AND HUMOR

"There are two things that a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and its mother's age."
~ Benjamin Spock